Colorado is beautiful and I’m glad Jackson wrecked here not in Kansas or Nebraska. The mountains are gorgeous and when we have time to explore them it’s magical. But not everything about it is so wonderful and things have been hard lately as you can imagine.
I spent a long time trying to decide whether or not to keep doing my weekly updates. Eventually, I came to the conclusion that it really was meant to be a travel blog, and the heaviness of what life has turned into was not what I wanted to dwell on. And yet I owe it to some of you and to myself to keep writing something at least. Writing is an important tonic for me and though I journal daily I missed my blog.
So here I am again, a little wiser, far more frustrated, and feeling perpetually lost. I was very positive at first. And I still am I suppose but I think part of me shut down and I don’t feel as much anymore: good or bad.
There have been visitors in and out for the past two weeks and our mailbox is overflowing with care packages and concerned letters. It’s nice but it seems very far away. Friends of ours set up fundraisers and told us we were the “talk of the town”. Though I’m overflowing with gratitude for each one who has prayed and helped us, I can’t help but feel that we missed our own parties and by the time we get home it will have all died down. Maybe that doesn’t matter, I’m having trouble discerning what does matter. The major problems have caused smaller ones. I am growing weary of everything.
My Dad always told me there were mountains in life and valleys and this month we fell from the top of our mountain down into the valley. I know that God can bring beautiful things out of this and we will all be stronger in the end, but you can’t enjoy the view at the top of the mountain until you climb it and it’s a long road.
Jackson is recovering in leaps and bounds but the process will be very slow to get him back to full health. He is almost back to his old self but he gets tired fast and he has fewer filters. It is relaxing for me to talk to Jackson and I love spending time with him. Nearly losing one of my family members has made me appreciate them all more but Jackson especially. He makes a point of reminding us how much he loves us and cares for us. He still asks me my opinion on things and takes what I say seriously. That is something I’ve always loved about him and now it has made us even closer.
Our family naturally has its flaws like any family does but for the most part we are rather close. I consider my siblings some of my best friends and though they make me want to pull my hair out I love them to the ends of the earth. It hasn’t been easy but we’ve been through everything together.
It has helped to have other people here to keep me distracted from “what could have been” but it grows old too. There is nothing normal about our lives and I get the feeling it will only get crazier as we go along so I don’t mind much sleeping in the basement instead of a bed. But every once in a while I feel the tiniest desire to live an “ordinary” suburban life. That desire never lasts more than a millisecond though and I would always rather sacrifice brand new clothes and fancy cars for dirty foreign cities and history beneath my feet.
This experience has even helped me understand people better as far fetched as that may sound. It makes me wonder what the rest of my story will look like and comprehend the trials and blessings that go into creating a unique personality. I may look back on this unpleasant period of life and feel that I wouldn’t be the person I am today had it not happened.
So I wouldn’t change the present in order to keep a happier piece of the past because it may not take me to horizons I can’t yet see. But I can’t say that “everything is ok” or that “I’m doing fine.” Because I don’t think that’s the truth. But if I was always “ok” or “fine” it would be a lie. Sometimes people seem so afraid of hurting or pain that they avoid it entirely and choose to fake a smile instead. And by people I mean me. But I’m learning to be more honest with myself and others. That doesn’t mean I like to dwell on the darker spots in life but it does mean that I’m not going to hide from them and create false light.
While I’m still learning what all of this will mean for me and my family I want to thank those of you who have been praying and contributing. It really means a lot to us all and we love you guys.
Until I’m ready to write again, ανδιο και ευχαριοτω.